---> I'm Thirsty... where's the water... I thought this was a beach...ARE WE THERE YET? You call this a vacation? Are you nuts?

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Sometimes Memorial Day Sucks!

They tell me that I'm supposed to be appreciative for the men and women that sacrificed their lives for the USA in the war.  But why did they die in a conflict that we shouldn't have been in the first place.  

The weapons of mass destruction that never existed.  The tyrant that was killed because he didn't agree with us or his own people?   Religious wars?  Huh?   

Next these poor guys come home and they can't get jobs, they fee like they're rewarded with nothing but shit and then they kill themselves?  This is memorial?

Fuck That!

I'm a brain injury survivor and I know what it's like to "loose everything" in the blink of an eye.  Career, Friends, Body Functions, and more...    Yeah,  this is now what I call "Rick 2.0" and he's more fucked up than "Rick 1.0" was a times but the 2.0 version had a tremendous amount of simpleton shit to learn that people of today simply take for granted.  I had to adapt to all kinds of negative challenges so much that I almost wanted to take my own life too as I screamed in my sleep "Why, Why, Why? What the fuck did I ever do that was so horrible to be punished like this?"  over and over again.  

What's worse is that little 19 year old bastard that did this to me and almost took my life, never took responsibility for what he did with the two simple words of "I'm Sorry" and it took place on Memorial Day weekend.  He negligence almost cost me my life as I saw all the ugliness of survival and psychologically accepted all the loss of who I used to be.   The first 5 years were hell and those who knew me, would describe me as an "angry young man' who was dealt a loosing hand.  

The phone stopped ringing, the friends stopped appearing and the social loss continued to grow and widen it's spectrum.  The snappy compu-techie-nerd who formed his own ISP DIVANET business including nine hand-built computers that ran in his home was now a technical vegetable facing little to no future growth.  

So I put food in my mouth, I put clothes on my body and the "chosen family" I loved and trusted and though would be there in all times thick and thin abandoned me when I needed them the most.  Yeah, MEMORIAL DAY is real swell huh?   

I remind myself how I had to re-learn and re-experience things all over again.  Some of them I not at all fond of.  I also had to learn how to fall in love with myself all over again too because the thing that looked back at me in the mirror was much different than the 1.0 version that I clearly remembered.  

I had to be able to answer the question "Who is Rick Wagner" and not use a physical attribute or possession or any kind of statement that referred to the past Rick 1.0 achievements.   I'm willing to bet that there aren't a lot of people in the world right now that can truly create a paragraph to this question right now.  Why? Because they get so wrapped up in what others think of them or who they're trying to impress that they can no longer impress themselves!

Yes, happy memorial day,  My name is Rick 2.0 and even though I'm forgetful with short term memory issues I still have a kind heart and I'm capable of feeling compassion for others including that for myself.  My physical condition sucks,  my sexual appetite shows up maybe once in a blue moon when all of the medicines allow my pecker to wake up but I still have a beautiful heart filled with life lesson wisdom capable of sharing with anyone who asks.  

I'm sure the Vets are in similar positions with emotion and pain that others around them can't truly comprehend because after eleven years I still become melancholy myself over the loss of Rick 1.0 all those years ago.  It's a thing that nobody else can understand no matter how hard you try to describe it, write it,  or draw it.   It's a pain that will lurk in the darkness forever and no matter how well we fool others to think that we've adapted and adjusted it's almost the equivalent of feeling as if we've been turned into a meaningless zombie that continues to scream to ourselves "don't give up, don't give up.."

Oh, and let's brainwash ourselves with this "God's Will" crap too... Yeah, Fuck God's Will.  If our guardian angels weren't at the goddamn titty bar, none of this would have happened, RIGHT? ...  LOL 

Sure, let's pass blame... let's blame the enemy, let's blame the weather, or the time of day, or anything else we think we can conjure up.   Do we ever blame ourselves for enlisting in the military knowing the  odds?  Do we blame ourselves for riding the motorcycle with our sexy leather vest and no helmet?  Hmmmmm, yeah right!  Forgot about that part huh??   

Hi, I used to be Rick Wagner 1.0 who was and asshole that thought he could outsmart the universal elements one times too many!   Now, I'm Rick Wagner 2.0 who's loaded with faults but is willing to continue moving forward and not continually try to dwell in a past that can never be reached again. 

Yup, for me, Memorial Day sucks and I suspect that it will till the day I die.  But, it does so in a way that I can never totally convey to others but know that there are other military veterans who can also relate to this pain and empty feeling of conquest achievement. I will continue to love and respect the 2.0 version as best I can as I try to look forward and follow my new dreams instead of the ones I had eleven years ago.  Those I come into contact with I will do my best to try and share this knowledge to cause them to play a personal game of "What If?" with themselves and / or those they love who have or  are about to experience similar tram in their own lives. 

Please, don't pray for me or sit there and say Awwwwww... cuz the sympathy doesn't make my blind eye, deaf ear, or lacking sense of taste or smell start working normally.   I've done my best to adapt and some think I've done a good job but,  still the Rick 1.0 loss remains painful at times in my own mind. I will quietly remind myself that I'm still here for reasons unknown but have faith that these reasons will be revealed at a later time to me and hopefully it will all make perfect sense at that time. Till then, this too shall pass and I'll put the razor blade down and refrain from doing anything stupid. 

To those reading this... thanks...  Just plain old thanks for being there even though your invisible and I'll probably never know you.


1 comment:

  1. You are a truly inspirational man, Rick. I'm glad that I know you.